What did you see …
When you said that I’m “Looking good … real good”?
What did you see when you said that I was a talented artist, a good writer or a valuable helper?
I hear you say that I am a “Flower child” or that I am “Zen”, and the best of all, “You are amazing!” But … what does that really mean? Is it because of what I do or who I am? I’m not sure I know the difference.
I caught you looking at me out of the corner of your eye. I felt the penetration of your gaze and I became very uncomfortable. Do I shoot you a look and cause you to own your thoughts for you have been busted, or do I keep on walking pretending not to notice? Perhaps I will keep on walking. I do not like confrontation … not one little bit!
Tell me what caused you to look … to hold your gaze … to pause and watch? Why did you say those lovely words to me and what did they really mean? I mean … are they true … really?
Was it my hair that I carefully styled to represent the outer beauty that I wished to express? After all, my hair is sightly enough that it requires its own zip code. You know … I put just the right color on it so that my features are beautifully enhanced and my true age is disguised. Did you know that? I hope not …
Was it the way I carried myself with my petite body where the fashion I chose for the day invited the observer to acknowledge my small, dangerously, curvy frame and fierce sense of style? Oh god … I spend so much energy on this quality of myself. Did you notice? Did you approve?
Was it the way I carefully painted the make-up on my face in order to reveal youth and beauty? I’m an artist, you know? I’ve become quite skilled at disguising my imperfections. Did you notice that? I’m pretty proud of my work!
My teeth … are nearly perfect! Straightened by an experienced orthodontist and whitened by my dentist … was that what you saw about me or perhaps my smile that lit up my face giving me a twinkle in my eye that showed my love and humor? My laughter draws attention … I can feel it! That combined with my smile is a winning combination. I hope you noticed …
I used to be a physical fitness queen, you know? Were you able to see any clues or evidence of my previously perfect body? I was committed to aerobics 5 days a week and weight training 3 days a week along with bike rides, hiking in the mountains and walks around the block. I try so hard to reveal evidence of my best features. As a matter of fact, it consumes me … consumes me! I hope you noticed some evidence that I still care about my body.
I want to know!
I want to know what you saw. I’ve taken great time and gifted talent to pull this look together so that you will look at me with approval. Did you approve? Was there something you would have changed about me? Was there?! If so, what would that be? ….. No wait!
Please don’t tell me! I do not want to know! Instead, I will try harder to look my very best. I will try harder to create the disguise so that you will notice me, love me, accept me and not judge me. I will try harder …
But really … REALLY, what I want to know is …
Did you see me?
Did you see Me?! … ME!!!
Did you see my vulnerability? Did you see my shyness and my lack of confidence?
Did you see my fears? Those dark places in my life that I hide behind for fear of exposure. I’m afraid of failure, judgment, pain and the deep need to be accepted. Did you see that?
Did you see my past? I have wounds that have healed and what is left is a shimmery scar that I’m rather proud of. It’s tougher tissue, you know? I think I’ve healed quite nicely.
Did you see my pain? It’s right there … right under the surface of confidence and the self-expression of wisdom. I can disguise it pretty well and maybe you didn’t see it. I hope not and yet … I hope you did.
Did you see my life experiences that brought me to my knees … that molded and shaped my character? People have said things that caused me to coil and retreat. People have left me in this life leaving me feeling vulnerable and weak. I never wanted them to leave me, but they did. Did you see that? Did you see that I was raised by a single parent? Did you see that I had to grow up early because I felt I was supposed to? Did you see that I never really was a child; I was a little adult in a child’s body? I’ve been mature my whole life! Did you see that?
Did you see my sensitive heart that craves love … needs to be loved for who I am … not who I present myself to be? Did you see that?
Did you see my spirit that wants to break free from the chains and rules that I set for myself … to protect myself … to be accepted? Did you see that?
Did you see my soul … that eternal being that has lived lifetime after lifetime or perhaps only this lifetime? Deep within, there is an All Knowing presence that guides me and leads me on my path … showing me the way. Did you see that?
Could you see my wisdom, my talents, my gifts, my love, my sensitivity and my passion … my PASSION! Did you see that?
I will never know what you really saw because I could not see it in myself. I wanted you to see me but the truth is, I could not see myself. I still cannot fully see myself. I want to. I want to know myself. I want to see my inner beauty. I want to see my eternal soul that has lived from the beginning of time and will continue on into forever. I want to see that! I want to fall madly in love with me … all of me … all of the hidden places that have been protected. I want to fall madly and passionately in love with the pain, the fears, the parts that I think ugly. I want to fall in love with my soul, my spirit, my vitality, my creativity and my true, eternal essence. I also want to know me intimately, passionately, lovingly and so accepting of all that is about me. I want that … I really want that!
I wanted you to see me because … I could not see myself and so … if you could see something about me that I could not see, then I could be happy and at peace with who I am. Maybe I could even love that part of myself and for some strange reason, I gave you the power to give that to me … I gave you permission to hold my power.
How could you possibly give me all the things I desired for myself? You could not give me what I thought I needed to feel accepted and loved because the truth is, you are just a reflection of all that I am and the only thing you can return to me are the things that I recognize and accept about myself … nothing more, nothing less. It would not matter what you saw because unless I believe it about myself … unless I can see and acknowledge it within myself, it will never be so for me. I know this! I know this! … And yet, how can I know this but not be able to receive it?! Perhaps I’m ready now …
It is time for me. It is time for me to shed my outer shell, that outer layer of disguises and false characters that have traveled day after day with me … holding me together. They are old and feeble now and they cannot perform the task any longer. They are tired … so, so tired and they want … no they need to be put to rest.
It’s time for me to knock down walls that I put up to shield me … to protect me. They are getting cracked and crumbly and are falling down anyway. I might as well push them over and leave them at rest. I’m tired of building walls … so, so tired. Perhaps it’s time to face all of my challenges and pains and let them love me and remind me of who I really am. I’m ready for that.
It’s time to break all of my rules … the rules I made to protect me and support me in all of the illusions of life. Come to think of it, no one else had the kind of rules I lived by. I was very hard on myself. I was very disciplined and robotic at times. Damn!!! I kept a tight leash on me. I’m surprised I’m not strangled!
And now …
It is time to fall madly in love … passionately in love … eternally in love … with all that I am. It’s time to recognize all of the qualities of myself and get intimate with all of the nuances, subtle caresses and little quirks that have stayed in the shadows because my disguises and rules never allowed them to be present.
It’s time to spread my wings and fly … releasing any weight that may be holding me down. I’ve always wanted to fly! I’ve even dreamed about it where I could soar above the fields and flower beds captivated and marveling at the beauty of it all. I give myself permission to do that now in my life. I invite the freedom of flight and the expanse of the Universe to travel to. I can hardly wait to see what’s out there! I’m so excited!!!
And lastly but certainly not the very least, I would like to thank myself for creating moments in my life that have brought me to this space and time. I also want to forgive myself for any ill thoughts, physical and emotional abuse that I may have inflicted during my growing years and any pain I may have caused others. I know that any and all of those spaces, places and moments in my life were just in preparation for this very moment and I stand in gratitude for all of them. They were all gifts that I acknowledge, receive and I embrace them all, in love.
I love you Noël Cannon! I love everything about you! I love your soul … the essence of who you are. I love your physical body with all of its uniqueness and fierce individuality! I love your talents, gifts and passions. I love all of your creations and all that you will continue to create for life is a creation process. I love your relationships and the people in your life … all of them! I love the spaces that cause reflection and introspection and I love the spaces that invite movement and action.
Each day, I fall more and more in love with this life and the places that I get mad at or the places that I am angry, I love them too. They are only spaces that invite more love and so I will love them all.
Yes … it’s time to release and fall in love all over again. Today is a new day. I am eternally in love!