You may not think it out loud to yourself, but I wonder if you secretly wish for something.
Get quiet with yourself for a moment and feel your desires …
Feel them …
I had a revelation this morning as I was reading my latest book. I’ve been in a pattern of physical pain for quite some time and every morning, I wonder if this will be the day that I am actually set free.
I go to bed at night hoping that the next morning, I will awake with the freedom that I desperately seek and every morning, up till now, I have been denied the relief that I seek. My heart sinks. My god … another fucking day of pain! How am I going to show up today and how am I going to appreciate this place in time in my life?!
It’s an honest question and quite frankly, I’m a little disgusted with myself. I try to be spiritual and for all of the challenges I have been through, I feel so deserving of healing. I’m just being honest.
This pain isn’t just translated into my physical body. It’s manifested in the world around me. Death, destruction, catastrophes, fear and … pain!
I try to shut it out, scroll past or close my eyes but … it’s ALWAYS there!
I could blame the world on their inability to let shit go but the truth is, I’m holding onto mine so how could I possibly expect anyone else to let go? I can’t seem to!
And then it hits me this morning … what is my belief about my pain? I’ve written on the subject of “Belief” and taught about it and now, I’m being invited to acknowledge what I believe about my pain.
‘Everything will be better when’ … my pain is gone! That is what I have been believing … hoping!
If I’m looking for the day that my physical pain does not haunt me every day and I keep looking for that day, how can it ever possibly show up? I mean, there is only Now and I keep looking for that ‘Some day’ to show up and it has not. I’m looking for it in the future and all there ever is, is Now. There is no future except the story I tell myself about what I want, that I do not feel I have now.
My freedom is right here, right now and if I keep looking into the future for it, validation will show up but only 100% of the time. My healing has to be in the future because that is where I’ve been looking for it, only the future NEVER shows up!
I was broadsided by this revelation. I keep thinking that someday I’ll be set free and the only place that freedom can be is Now.
This is where things get interesting because if I had to be honest with myself, I do love therapy. I love the way I can slide into an appointment, surrender myself to the therapist and just escape from my thoughts. I let go and let someone else perform their talents on me and all the while, I keep hoping that when my session is finished, that I feel better and that I am healed. What if I am healed, will I miss therapy? Will I need therapy?
This is another good question. If I am free from pain, then therapy is not necessary and then what?
What if I am right where I am because I like it, because it suits me, because it supports me? I might as well get honest with myself. I like therapy and the only reason I would continue therapy is because I think I need it and if I do not need it any longer, then why would I quit?
I suppose this is what drug addiction or any another addiction is. The only thing I know is how to navigate my pain and so the cycle continues. What happens when I let go of the pain? What happens when I quit believing the story I tell myself about my pain? The cycle ends and that is a little unsettling. How will I identify with myself then?!
For me, I’ve identified with the pain for so long, I’m not sure I know who I am without it and change is not always easy. Even if I think I really want to be set free, I have not invited freedom to join me in the area of my physical being. And so … I continue on with therapy perhaps until I’m ready to let go.
A friend asked me once if therapy heals me. I was impressed by this question because we both work in the same field of physical therapy and now she’s asking me if therapy heals me.
“No” I said. “Therapy gives me a reprieve from myself for a brief moment in time so that I can take a breath and surrender the pain to someone else”.
Isn’t that interesting? I don’t believe therapy heals me and yet I use it as a tool to help me work through my stuff. How long do I continue therapy? I don’t know … how could I possibly know how long it is going to take for me to let go?
Being in the physical therapy profession, I understand that there are those who would argue that some therapy is needed or required, especially in cases of knee replacement, hip and shoulder replacement, surgery and such, but even then, I’m not sure. Every patient that comes through the door is sent home with a set of exercises … basically the same exercises they do when they come to see me. I have the idea that every person knows how to heal their own body. They, like me, just choose to surrender it to someone else in order to breathe, or perhaps we don’t trust ourselves enough to navigate our healing on our own.
I sincerely have to appreciate that! We’re not weak or incapable. Perhaps we’re just tired, scared or out of touch with our Divine selves. Perhaps there’s a lot of static that is distorting the link or channel that taps us in to our infinite wisdom. We’re all so wise, really! We have ALL of the answers to every question there ever was in this Universe … this experience. We all are capable of being free from all of the pains that get us bogged down.
And in this moment, I just want to fall in love with what is and appreciate the unfolding or the realizing of all that I am. When I give gratitude to every moment … to pause and say, “Thank you” just for the privilege to breathe, to see, to feel, to taste to … experience all of the sensations of this life, I am free.
Join me, won’t you? Invite all of the possibilities in this moment. Set the future … the “Everything will be better when’s” free, let them go, and appreciate. Say “Thank you” for the privilege of this moment.
I’m glad you’ve joined me.
We’re currently experiencing Now.
Isn’t it spectacular?!
Thank you ♥