“I don’t know how to be kind to myself. I don’t know how to forgive myself. I don’t know how to be at peace with myself in any given moment because I’m still trying to impress you.”
I’ve read the books; The Mindbody Prescription by John E. Sarno and The Great Pain Deception by Steven Ray Ozanich and I’ve watched video’s of these two teaching and showing those of us the way to our own healing.
I’ve watched countless videos of Nicole Sachs, teaching, encouraging and supporting the one who is struggling to find their healing. And when I gave myself ample time, my idea of enough time, to adopt all of the teachings of the books, videos and testimonies, and still finding myself experiencing physical pain day in and day out, I broke down and bought Nicole’s book, The Meaning of Truth.
I can’t believe I did. I can’t believe I broke down and bought another book from another “Survivor” in an attempt to find a missing link … a missing piece of something that seemed so elusive. But … Nicole is a psychotherapist who studied with Dr. Sarno and so I needed to trust in what she had to share in her book even though I had already resigned to myself that there is no Truth and there is no way to find it; pain aside. The Truth is illusive and as soon as I think I have found it, another opportunity arises for me to question it and in the end I discovered that the Truth is like a rainbow; you can admire it from a distance but move in closer and closer to capture it and you soon realize that there is no catching it. It’s ever evolving … ever changing, as I change. So what could she possibly impart to me that I haven’t already heard?
But … I’m feeling desperate, weak, vulnerable and frustrated and I just need to “Do” something! Recognize the behavior?
This pain experience has taken me to a deep, deep plunge within to discover who I think I am and to release all of it … all of it! All attachments are slowly being released and yet I still find myself attached to so much. I still identify so much with my physical body … ugh!!!
Which brings me to today’s breakthrough while engaging in journaling. I’m not that far in Nicole’s book but I know I’m going to get to the part where I will be invited to “Journal Speak” and unleash all that is pent up inside me. I’ve watched her video’s inviting me to do so and it was therapeutic and liberating for awhile … until it wasn’t.
Which is why I bought her book. Its time to revisit this practice and see if there is more to this ‘Journal Speak’ that perhaps I did not get from watching her video’s alone.
Today, I discovered that in my tight, controlled need to keep things in order because I never want to lose something or misplace it, I discovered that I am relentless and meticulous to keep things in place. I used to say about Mom, “She has a place for everything and everything is in its place”. This is me to the “T” (am I mimicking Mom’s behavior to be accepted and loved?), and then it hit me today while journaling …
I’m disgusted with myself! I’m angry with myself. I’m disappointed with myself because … I CANNOT FIND THE SOURCE OF MY PAIN!!! It’s elusive! It hides! I know it’s right here but … I cannot see it!!! I can keep everything else in my life in order so that I can find it, god forbid I should lose my keys or my sunglasses! I know right where everything is and yet, I cannot find the source of my pain! What a loser!!!
I’m disappointed in myself. For as much as I have learned … for as enlightened as I have awoken to about this illusion I call “Life”, I’m still so clueless. I’ve wanted to blame someone else for it all. I’ve wanted to blame my parents! I’ve wanted to blame my upbringing! I’ve wanted to blame circumstances or happenings in my life where I put up some barriers or protectors or cushions or buffers to shield myself but I can’t! I just can’t! It’s not in my nature to do so. I’m an adult! I know I myself am doing my very best. How the hell can I point a finger at anyone else when I know they are doing or have done the best they knew how? I’ve been down this road with a therapist … actually a couple therapists … who have supported me in cracking open the shell of the little girl who just wanted to be a good little girl and do everything right and to be loved. I’ve traveled down this road for a very long distance. Is there more to discover … I’m open to that idea. Let’s get this shit out in the open! God I’m so ready!!!
It’s me now. I’m taking ownership over everything in my life and what it all boils down to, I made the decision to protect myself and I am the only one who can forgive that. I am the only one who can find my way through the deep, dark shadows of my past or even this moment to find my thoughts and what I am believing about any of it. What did I hide? What did I shove in the corner? What am I not seeing? God … I’m pretty, fucking amazing to hide it in plain sight so well!!! At least I know how to do that well!
It’s also so easy to get disgusted with myself, beat myself up because I could be more, understand more and yet, here I am living with chronic pain that continues to remind me that it’s still here and I still have work to do.
I don’t know if you can identify with my process. I know, that I know, that I know, that I know that … the pain that I am experiencing is not a physical malady. It’s an emotional journey that is tied to all of the masks and portrayals that I have instilled in order to appear perfect, beautiful, worthy, smart, capable and to be the best at anything that I tackle because I cannot stand the thought that you would think anything else of me. It’s hard, fucking work!!!
It’s not hard because it is hard work, (well maybe it is. I’m just in denial!) It’s probably pretty simple. It’s hard because I’m expecting, hoping, trying, giving up and trying again … hoping that this time and all the while, I will figure it out! I’m attached to something that I just do not know how to let go of. (Is that true? Is that what I’m not getting?!)
And so, all that is left is to surrender and trust because when I get so wrapped up in what I think I should be doing, I break down at some point and surrender. I just hope that in those moments of surrender, I’m getting closer to being pain free. And yet deep, deep down, I hope that is the right thing to do. Am I doing it correctly now? Is this what is needed? Do I appear worthy and confident enough now? I’m smart and capable, do you see that? I’m trying so hard and trying so hard not to show it!
I don’t know how to be kind to myself. I don’t know how to forgive myself. I don’t know how to be at peace with myself in any given moment because I’m still trying to impress you.
But, I’m open, vulnerable, raw, exposed, weak, strong, capable and willing to invite the pain to reveal everything to me that will support me in growing madly in love with who I think I am. It’s time and I want this!!! I’m so, fucking tired!!!
God bless any of you who have read through this and you are experiencing chronic pain in some way. I feel that we are “Chosen” ones who are being invited to experience the hidden secrets. There are deep treasures within that can only be excavated by understanding our pain and going mining to extract the jewels. Pain is not an enemy. Pain is a loving, patient, caring and very persistent lover in this experience whose mission is to lead us to love. For in understanding our pain, we discover who we really are and that my lovely lights, is our direct link to God.
I wish I had all of the answers. I wish I knew exactly how to do it. I wish I could show you the way but what I’m discovering that no matter how someone else tells you how they did it, in the end, it’s our own, personal journey that can only be discovered by our own internal mechanisms … our own work. I feel that recognizing and accepting TMS as my condition is merely the seed that still requires, nourishment, water, sunshine and time to grow into a breathtaking manifestation of beauty.
I’m not sure I really wanted to sign up for this class, but now that I am in it, I’m going for that A+ grade!