Secret Hiding Place

“I don’t know how to be kind to myself. I don’t know how to forgive myself. I don’t know how to be at peace with myself in any given moment because I’m still trying to impress you.”

 

I’ve read the books; The Mindbody Prescription by John E. Sarno and The Great Pain Deception by Steven Ray Ozanich and I’ve watched video’s of these two teaching and showing those of us the way to our own healing.
I’ve watched countless videos of Nicole Sachs, teaching, encouraging and supporting the one who is struggling to find their healing. And when I gave myself ample time, my idea of enough time, to adopt all of the teachings of the books, videos and testimonies, and still finding myself experiencing physical pain day in and day out, I broke down and bought Nicole’s book, The Meaning of Truth.

I can’t believe I did. I can’t believe I broke down and bought another book from another “Survivor” in an attempt to find a missing link … a missing piece of something that seemed so elusive. But … Nicole is a psychotherapist who studied with Dr. Sarno and so I needed to trust in what she had to share in her book even though I had already resigned to myself that there is no Truth and there is no way to find it; pain aside. The Truth is illusive and as soon as I think I have found it, another opportunity arises for me to question it and in the end I discovered that the Truth is like a rainbow; you can admire it from a distance but move in closer and closer to capture it and you soon realize that there is no catching it. It’s ever evolving … ever changing, as I change. So what could she possibly impart to me that I haven’t already heard?

But … I’m feeling desperate, weak, vulnerable and frustrated and I just need to “Do” something! Recognize the behavior?

Pain 2

This pain experience has taken me to a deep, deep plunge within to discover who I think I am and to release all of it … all of it! All attachments are slowly being released and yet I still find myself attached to so much. I still identify so much with my physical body … ugh!!!

Which brings me to today’s breakthrough while engaging in journaling. I’m not that far in Nicole’s book but I know I’m going to get to the part where I will be invited to “Journal Speak” and unleash all that is pent up inside me. I’ve watched her video’s inviting me to do so and it was therapeutic and liberating for awhile … until it wasn’t.

Which is why I bought her book. Its time to revisit this practice and see if there is more to this ‘Journal Speak’ that perhaps I did not get from watching her video’s alone.
Today, I discovered that in my tight, controlled need to keep things in order because I never want to lose something or misplace it, I discovered that I am relentless and meticulous to keep things in place. I used to say about Mom, “She has a place for everything and everything is in its place”. This is me to the “T” (am I mimicking Mom’s behavior to be accepted and loved?), and then it hit me today while journaling …

I’m disgusted with myself! I’m angry with myself. I’m disappointed with myself because … I CANNOT FIND THE SOURCE OF MY PAIN!!! It’s elusive! It hides! I know it’s right here but … I cannot see it!!! I can keep everything else in my life in order so that I can find it, god forbid I should lose my keys or my sunglasses! I know right where everything is and yet, I cannot find the source of my pain! What a loser!!!

I’m disappointed in myself. For as much as I have learned … for as enlightened as I have awoken to about this illusion I call “Life”, I’m still so clueless. I’ve wanted to blame someone else for it all. I’ve wanted to blame my parents! I’ve wanted to blame my upbringing! I’ve wanted to blame circumstances or happenings in my life where I put up some barriers or protectors or cushions or buffers to shield myself but I can’t! I just can’t! It’s not in my nature to do so. I’m an adult! I know I myself am doing my very best. How the hell can I point a finger at anyone else when I know they are doing or have done the best they knew how? I’ve been down this road with a therapist … actually a couple therapists … who have supported me in cracking open the shell of the little girl who just wanted to be a good little girl and do everything right and to be loved. I’ve traveled down this road for a very long distance. Is there more to discover … I’m open to that idea. Let’s get this shit out in the open! God I’m so ready!!!

Pain 1

It’s me now. I’m taking ownership over everything in my life and what it all boils down to, I made the decision to protect myself and I am the only one who can forgive that. I am the only one who can find my way through the deep, dark shadows of my past or even this moment to find my thoughts and what I am believing about any of it. What did I hide? What did I shove in the corner? What am I not seeing? God … I’m pretty, fucking amazing to hide it in plain sight so well!!! At least I know how to do that well!

It’s also so easy to get disgusted with myself, beat myself up because I could be more, understand more and yet, here I am living with chronic pain that continues to remind me that it’s still here and I still have work to do.

I don’t know if you can identify with my process. I know, that I know, that I know, that I know that … the pain that I am experiencing is not a physical malady. It’s an emotional journey that is tied to all of the masks and portrayals that I have instilled in order to appear perfect, beautiful, worthy, smart, capable and to be the best at anything that I tackle because I cannot stand the thought that you would think anything else of me. It’s hard, fucking work!!!

It’s not hard because it is hard work, (well maybe it is. I’m just in denial!) It’s probably pretty simple. It’s hard because I’m expecting, hoping, trying, giving up and trying again … hoping that this time and all the while, I will figure it out! I’m attached to something that I just do not know how to let go of. (Is that true? Is that what I’m not getting?!)

And so, all that is left is to surrender and trust because when I get so wrapped up in what I think I should be doing, I break down at some point and surrender. I just hope that in those moments of surrender, I’m getting closer to being pain free. And yet deep, deep down, I hope that is the right thing to do. Am I doing it correctly now? Is this what is needed? Do I appear worthy and confident enough now? I’m smart and capable, do you see that? I’m trying so hard and trying so hard not to show it!

Pain 3

I don’t know how to be kind to myself. I don’t know how to forgive myself. I don’t know how to be at peace with myself in any given moment because I’m still trying to impress you.

But, I’m open, vulnerable, raw, exposed, weak, strong, capable and willing to invite the pain to reveal everything to me that will support me in growing madly in love with who I think I am. It’s time and I want this!!! I’m so, fucking tired!!!

God bless any of you who have read through this and you are experiencing chronic pain in some way. I feel that we are “Chosen” ones who are being invited to experience the hidden secrets. There are deep treasures within that can only be excavated by understanding our pain and going mining to extract the jewels. Pain is not an enemy. Pain is a loving, patient, caring and very persistent lover in this experience whose mission is to lead us to love. For in understanding our pain, we discover who we really are and that my lovely lights, is our direct link to God.

I wish I had all of the answers. I wish I knew exactly how to do it. I wish I could show you the way but what I’m discovering that no matter how someone else tells you how they did it, in the end, it’s our own, personal journey that can only be discovered by our own internal mechanisms … our own work. I feel that recognizing and accepting TMS as my condition is merely the seed that still requires, nourishment, water, sunshine and time to grow into a breathtaking manifestation of beauty.

I’m not sure I really wanted to sign up for this class, but now that I am in it, I’m going for that A+ grade!

Pain

Letting Go Of The Truth

I’ve discovered that Truth is like the end of the rainbow. I can see it from a distance but it can never be approached and it can never be caught. It keeps changing distances and every step to get me closer, just pushes it that much further away. Keep chasing it and I have soon to realize that there is no catching it.

 

Mom has been deceased for over 5 years now. As a child of a woman who was on a continuous and relentless search for the “Truth”, she died never having a solid answer. Lord knows, she spent most of her life seeking.

I really never understood Mom’s quest. At the time, I was very content with my own beliefs that were wrapped within one Book and my understanding of Truth was nothing like hers. I had found my “Truth”. All I had to do was open the Book, read and follow the directions as I understood them.

Now that she has been gone for 5 plus years, I’ve said “Good-bye” to so much of my life that I identified with, and my resolve that I had found the Truth, has dissolved and opened door after door to the discovery that there is so much more to my experience than I ever imagined. Now that I myself am on my own  “Relentless search for the Truth”, I have ultimately reached a place of letting go.

I’ve discovered that Truth is like the end of the rainbow. I can see it from a distance but it can never be approached and it can never be caught. It keeps changing distances and every step to get me closer, just pushes it that much further away. Keep chasing it and I have soon to realize that there is no catching it.Rainbow

Truly, it’s magical to have beliefs that form our Truth. Our entire world will surround us and continually show us opportunity after opportunity to validate and firmly establish that Truth.  We dance with it, converse with it, make love to it and accept it as …Truth. And with this Truth, we can sit back, take a deep breath and feel comfortable that everything in our world of understanding makes some kind of sense.

But what happens when our world begins to shift? In my case, the death of my mother that quickly followed the death of a career and “Empty Nest Syndrome” and then two years later, the death of a sister, I began to let go of attachments. After all, attachments were just a set up for pain. If the attachment passes or goes away, what then? Do I attach to something else, or do I learn to be a little more fluid?

It’s interesting to be witness to the current happenings in this experience of mine. Since I have allowed myself to gain 30 pounds, validation is showing up. Now, I see plus size models in magazines … including Sports Illustrated! I’m seeing more and more strikingly beautiful women who are the same size as myself, being presented more and more often to me. They are validating my new size, and giving me permission to own it and feel good about it.

Same situation since I’ve allowed my hair to go grey. I’ve recently heard the phrase, “Grey is the new blond.” How amazing is that?! There again … validation! I never saw it before, but now that I am playing along, more and more opportunities are showing up to validate my new way of being.

It’s interesting to see those who express fears, frustrations and dissatisfaction with the current state of affairs. From the president, to animal neglect and abuse, to world disasters as well as injustices being performed with our food supply, our truth is deliciously being validated with each and every story being presented to confirm that what we believe to be Truth, is actually and indeed Truth and all the while, we are playing along in either happiness, fear or hate!

As much time as we put into our beliefs about anything, the more validation will show up to solidify our Truth. We put our energy into it and presto! Validation shows up!

Just because we want something to change, as long as we buy into the story, validation will continue to win. Wanting something to change merely confirms that there is something wrong and when we feel the need to change it, it must persist because we are putting our energy into it.

When something is wrong and needs to be fixed, it will always be wrong and need to be fixed until we have healed from our pain or decide that it is not worth our time and we move on. Does that make it all go away? Not necessarily but … you’ve let it go and now it just doesn’t matter any longer. It’s slowly losing energy and at some point, it will desist.

This is a difficult concept to adopt. It’s painfully difficult because if we let it go, then how will we identify with ourselves? And yet, it may be causing us pain, fear and frustration but no matter, we believe it to be true (Truth) and so it must persist and identity is acknowledged. Do we need an identity? Do we need to feel validated? Do we need to be important? Do we need … to fit?

Is change necessary? No, not really because change would usher in the confirmed illusion that something needs to be changed and so, the cycle continues.

 

ReleasePerhaps our greatest opportunity is to let go … let go of what appears to be Truth and instead, rest on the comforts that our identity does not depend on holding onto something, but rather letting everything go. How can one man’s Truth be right and another man’s Truth be wrong? We’re all in this together so who is right and who is wrong? This … THIS … IS AN UNENDING, CONTINUOUS BATTLE AND NO ONE EVER WINS FOREVER! Battles may be won, but next year, next month, next week, next day … another battle shows up to give us opportunity to fight once again to confirm that something is wrong and we need to fix it!

Feel this my loves. Feel the pain, the resistance, the constant energetic expense of continuously fighting for something that is temporary and fleeting … only to win or lose and then … start the process all over again. Our identity could be that of a warrior or a victorious conqueror and we may covet that identity for our entirety but will that validate and confirm for us a status of importance? Or will it create a space for us to fit into so that we can feel secure in our identity?

Don’t worry. Letting go of the Truth won’t cost you anything you aren’t ready to let go of. You won’t lose anything except fear, judgment, pain and need. Instead, you will gain freedom, joy, pleasure and peace.

If your path invites you to continue resisting, fighting and battling some cause, give yourself permission to take the ride and discover all that excites you and help you discover your essence. Perhaps you’re working through some pain and it requires you to submerge yourself in the battle to discover your unlimited potential and arrive at healing. And when you’ve reach your limit and you’re ready to let go of defining who you are by the battles you’ve fought, whether you’ve won or not and your tired and weary, then you can decide if it’s time to let go of the Truth of who you think you are.tug-of-war 1

Feel the release … feel it and when you do, you’ll begin to notice the amazing world around you. Rather than focusing on an outcome, you’ll simply observe all of the choices. Which one will you take? May I suggest taking the one that feels good and right rather than a choice with an expected outcome that may never give you what you expect? Choosing what feels good gives you permission to live authentically and without remorse. Choosing what you think you should in order to obtain a desirable outcome, opens the door to disappointment and then making another choice to fix it.

As a result, you’ll discover that all of your needs will be met … all of them! You’ll discover that your identity is not wrapped up in things or causes but rather in the Divine flow of life. You’ll discover that you do not have to work so hard to get what you want. Instead, it will miraculously show up right when you need it. You’ll also discover that everything in the Universe is designed to support you. Everything in your experience is carefully crafted to shape for you a soul satisfying experience and all you have to do is stay open to the flow and receive all that you require.Flow

Get clear about what you want and make all of your decisions on what feels good and right for you. When you do, the Universe will pave the way and you’ll find that there are no open or closed doors. There’s only the flow … the flow that caries you along in life and is intent on supporting you and taking care of you. Doesn’t that sound marvelous?!

 

 

I Didn’t Sign Up For this!

“Could it be that you signed up for this life … you and God? Could it be that you agreed to have this experience?”

Have you ever contemplated who you were before you came into existence?

Have you ever wondered if this is the only time you’ve ever been alive?

Who were you before you came into being?

Have you ever spent time wondering how long you’ve been in existence? Was it just this space and time or were there others and if there were others, who were you and what were you doing?

What if you sat down with God/ Spirit/ Creator before coming into this lifetime, and mapped out a course for your life? I’ve never known God to be a dictator but maybe God is and you were told how things were going to be for you or maybe perhaps, God is a negotiator, a mentor, a guide and you both planned together.

What if you and God decided what time you would come in, who you would be, what kind of life you would live, what nationality you would be, what kind of personality you would have, who your parents would be, what kind of experiences you would have, and so on … and so on …

As life unfolded, you may have formed opinions about life’s circumstances based on either others perceptions that you adopted or guards, shields and filters that you put up to protect yourself but if you are an eternal being, what exactly are you protecting?

They say that we have freedom of choice but I wonder… what if we made all of the choices before we came in and now we are living them out in full color.

If it’s true that we are the creator of our own destiny, we walk our own path, we make our own choices and we are the ONLY one who can live our life, can it be possible that it is absolutely perfect and our perception of what is, is actually our own design?

Do we love ourselves or do we hate ourselves for choosing such a path? If we’re in pain, we could choose to hate ourselves and hold ourselves accountable for such an ill justice or put the blame on someone else and adopt the roll of ‘Victim’. After all, we would never choose such a life for ourselves, right? Or … would we?

If … you and God chose this path, if you knew that you are an eternal being, if you can feel and interpret that you have always been in existence, then perhaps you can stop beating yourself up, abusing yourself, cursing your life, hating people who do you wrong and get a glimpse that you are absolutely perfect, created in the image of God and since God is Love, then … you are too. YOU ARE LOVE!

If you believe that God is love, you may spend your entire life discovering just what that means but perhaps, it isn’t discovering God’s love but rather learning to take ownership of the love that we actually are and accepting all that we are and all that we came here to experience. Instead of beating ourselves up because we hate our lives, we could see that we actually ARE the love of God, we ARE eternal beings and we ARE living out an experience that is divine and perfect, custom designed by you and God.

Perception can mess us up! We can perceive people, circumstances and happenings in our lives as bad, unfortunate, the Devil, evil in full force or injustice. We could say that we are living out our Karma and that everything that is happening TO US, is because we are bad, we made bad choices, God is teaching us something that we are ignorant to or we’re being punished for something we have absolutely no clue about and the only one to blame is ourselves but I have to ask, is that true? Are you sure?

Could it be that you signed up for this life … you and God? Could it be that you agreed to have this experience?         agreed

You may ask, “Why the hell would I chose this life? Why the hell would I choose to experience this kind of pain or injustice?”

You chose it because you are an eternal being and this is a temporary place and time that really … means nothing in the bigger scheme of things.

Perhaps it’s like going through the haunted house, or the room of mirrors. Every corner you turn, you experience some new gory creature or image in a distorted mirror. They aren’t real. Nothing is real enough to cause permanent damage. If anything, they cause you to see things differently than they really are. Perhaps they are a disguise or a distraction to either enhance the experience or distract you from who you really are but … they are not real.

Maybe when you awaken from the illusion, you can see that you did design this life, the complexities, the challenges, the hardships, the pain as well as the joys, thrills, happiness, beautiful relationships, blessings and gifts and … love it all because YOU are the designer and creator of it all.

Perhaps now you can love yourself enough to trust that you designed it all, you are perfect, you are a creator and a designer of the most amazing life and an eternal being who has always been and will always be forever and ever!

Now … you can really start living! You can open your eyes and see just how amazing of a creator you are! Look at the people in your life! Look at watching-movie-in-3dyour surroundings, the weather, the landscape, the vastness from coast to coast, from here to outer space. You can see science in motion, creativity at its finest and most elaborate and experience the most extraordinary works of art! Truly, what you have created in this life is breathtaking!

Maybe you did design this life. Maybe you and God agreed and created together so that you could have one hell of an experience. After all, if you’ve always been in existence and you will continue on forever and ever, why not create an experience that extracted all of the elixir and vapors of a life that takes your breath away?